It is April of 2011. As I stated in a previous post, I'm trying to take most of the year off my valet job to hash out and put on paper some things that God has laid on my heart, things that have been floating around in my head (it's pretty roomy in there) for the past several years. I get distracted easily from things I believe God has led me to do, so I figured stepping back from my daily life might help a bit. Things went pretty well for a while, but by mid-march I'd hit a wall and got bored. I had some Delta miles I needed to use, so I booked a three week trip to Hawaii to do some hiking and camping, hoping that taking myself even further out of my Dallas routine would help kick-start my thoughts. The plan is to spend a week on Maui and finish the trip hiking the Napali Coastal Trail on the island of Kauai with some buddies.
The tropical scenery is beautiful here - there's endless secluded beaches, gorgeous sunsets, huge volcanic mountains, picturesque waterfalls with natural pools to swim in, and all kinds of crazy plants and animals, both below and above the water. You can't help but worship God in the beauty of this part of His creation. It's no wonder so many honeymooning couples and families come here for an exotic getaway. People here seemed lost in the beauty, lost in the revelry of the moment, the food, the exotic feeling of being here with family and friends... all lost in the company of someone else. I've traveled all over the world, but Hawaii - more than any place I've been - seems to be all about enjoying the company of someone else. There are very few solo travelers here.
I turned 38 years old last month. Throughout most of my life, I've avoided most serious relationships with the female species, so much so, that when I got engaged a few years back, most of my friends and family had a hard time believing the news, whether the information came through a third party or even myself. "Yeah right...whatever", "Zack engaged? No way!", and "Did hell freeze over?" were commonly heard comments. I thought it was quite amusing at the time - even comical - that I had spent most of my younger life embracing the single lifestyle so strongly that it almost felt like I was letting people down or ruining an image that I had built up for myself over the years. To this day, I'm 100% grateful that I had this "engagement experience"; I'm also 100% grateful that we broke it off.
Most modern-day weddings disgust me. Don't get me wrong here. I truly respect the institution of marriage and believe it should be held in honor by all. I believe it is an institution that has been designed and created by God Himself, as a sanctifying agent, to give us a visual aid of what our relationship with Him is like. A team of two, united for one purpose, will always be stronger and more effective than one. God uses others to refine us; in a marriage, I believe this process is amplified, we are constantly "in the fire" if you will. Marriage is indeed a beautiful thing. I just think we have been sold a watered down ideal of it in "Christian" America that looks no different than what the rest of the world believes about it; perhaps even corrupting it a bit further because of our wealth and pride. Think about it: We spend thousands of dollars buying pieces of absolutely worthless rock, usually mined with the backs and blood of children because we've bought into the lie that "diamonds are forever" and are therefore a symbol of marriage. Are we that easily sold a cultural lie? We put on lavish ceremonies to display ourselves and throw parties that usually include drunken debauchery where the entire point seems to be to glorify ourselves with pictures, dress, dances .... all in the name of doing something ...Christian? Weddings in America, I fear, have gone the way of Christmas - we have commercialized and degraded the experience to the point we no longer understand what it really means. We've given it a part of life status equivalent to going to college, getting a job, a home - the "supposed to do" stuff if you want to be labeled a successful member of society.
The beauty of this whole process was to flesh out what marriage would do for me, in the context of living a life wholeheartedly for the sake of God's kingdom. In my early young adult days, I would usually immediately reject any set-up attempts by well-meaning Christian friends by adamantly defending my single lifestyle. I would brag about the freedom of my current state; in Christian circles I would flaunt that I had nothing preventing me financially, emotionally, physically, or socially (ok, some would argue this) from doing whatever God wanted me to do in life... with my life. I was, in essence, off the grid. Society had no pull on me or had anything I needed. I continued this line of reasoning until Someone pointed out to me that if I truly was living my life in such a state, I ought to ponder my level of accountability before a most holy God. Shortly thereafter, a good friend's wife (who I'd just met for the first time and tried to set me up with her sister) adamantly made the point that if I truly felt it was God's calling for me to stay single and serve Him, I should note that others who were confirmed in such a calling (John the Baptist, Paul, Francis of Assisi, David Livingston, Luther's early years, Mother Theresa, Rich Mullins) all lived lives that were so incredibly radically oriented to the cause of Christ's kingdom that a married/family life simply wouldn't have made much sense in light of spousely/parental duties in terms of family nurturing and child rearing. Needless to say, I was immediately humbled, extremely terrified, and suddenly wanted to get married.
So the question begs... what is right/best for me? What would being married do for me? Are there advantages in being married? Staying single? Can I ponder this honestly? I will try to throw all selfish desires aside as I think about this. Singleness, for me, creates an overwhelming sense of self awareness and therefore pride. I'm more conscious of how I look, how I act, and in general, what others in society perceive of me. Walk into a party, or church, or any social setting alone and you will usually find yourself much more conscious of self or how you're perceived than if you walk in with someone else. I think, perhaps, that this is accentuated by the cultural pressure to be "in a relationship." When you're not, and you're 38, you feel the need to convince those around you that there's nothing wrong with you that is preventing this. People start wondering what's wrong with you or what's happened in your past or what kind of "issues" you have that are preventing you from being in a relationship. In the brief period in which I was engaged, especially when she was around me, I never really felt this. In essence, my identity was lost in or part of someone else's and this made me OK. You get this feeling of validation before your fellow man that says "See, look - I'm worthy of someone's affection". Society is obsessed with this - we use phrases like "married up" or "married down", thus assigning a recognized feeling of worth, within invisible layers determined by one's own society. Christ definitely married down, when He took on us (His church) as His bride.
I think God's desire is that our relationship with Him is like this - our identity should be so lost in Him in His presence, in living our lives before an Audience of One, that we would always feel we are quite complete before a watching world, never needing their approval to validate ourselves. Our existence should be so wrapped up in our identity in loving and serving Him, that we would never need anyone's approval to make ourselves feel we are all right, thus losing our sense of self-awareness that leads to pride. One of my favorite passages in the entire Bible is Mark 12:13-17, where Jesus's enemies try to get Him in trouble with the Romans (and Jews) by questioning Him about who taxes should be paid to. They (His ENEMIES) intro their question with "Teacher, we know you are true, for you do not value the opinions of men". Let's think about this in two ways: #1)Jesus (being God) must have thought the idea of seeking their approval seemed silly, since after all, He had created them. #2)Jesus (being human) knew that what He was speaking and what He was representing to a watching world was 100% truth, therefore He felt no fear in living his life before men or valuing their approval at all, because He knew He WAS TRUTH. So anytime we stand before men, or a spouse, or any audience and are continually obsessed with selling our self, we will always be overly self-conscience or fearful with what others think or how they perceive us, because we know our identity is that of a fallen creature with faults, that is not perfect, and does not represent perfect truth....unless we are able to totally lose our identity in that of Another, who has no faults or limitations or weaknesses and represents complete truth. The beauty of the Christian's testimony is we should be the first to confess our faults and weaknesses; this breaks down our own barriers and others' that we interact with, because by admitting faults and weaknesses, we are attempting to present our true self. If our relationship with God is not to this point, we probably have no business getting married; it would be quite unfair to someone else to base our identity in them, and then try to sell that identity, packaged with our own, as something completely perfect or to be respected by a watching world.
The problem with marriage for me is it seems, from observing society, that it creates unhealthy fears. Fear is an extremely manipulative emotion that drives us to live boring lives; our greatest fears are relational. We get married with big dreams, then usually fall prey to our culture of comfort and security, trying our best to not do anything that would "rock the boat" in our fragile human relationships. I think we tend to do human relationships so poorly that even in a "Christian" marriage there is an overwhelming desire to maintain peace at all costs, so we try to set ourselves up with a house, good jobs, and other things that make our lives easy and comfortable. Admittedly, in my brief period of being engaged, I thought about such things constantly (health insurance, place to live, good job) to the point where I know I would have joined the fearful ranks of the American Christians who strive to live their daily lives with as much safety and security as possible. This cultural ideal for a good marriage, in my opinion, has put the church in slumber. No longer does being a Christ-follower mean living a radical, if not epic life. It seems we have fallen prey to the idea that a good Christian home is one that fits respectfully and stably within the society surrounding it - which is tempting in that it is easy and gains the respect of peers, but to me would eventually become incredibly boring. For me to have a successful marriage I would, in essence, need someone who doesn't need me, whose life is already so complete that the only reason she'd want to marry me would be in obedience to something God wanted her to do with her life; to partner with someone to continue to live an epic adventure of following and serving Christ fearlessly, regardless of the cost to her comfort and security. Having someone whom I love deeply who would put our relationship (as a unit) fearlessly before God and constantly remind me of who I am in that context would help me be diligent in this calling, because I find myself often tempted to choose the "easy" route. I would need someone whose identity is so lost in Christ, whose life is so wrapped up in her relationship with Him, that she would feel no need or desire to be married outside of doing so in obedience to God, to refine her in a way that would draw her closer to Him. Any takers?
You see, my life reeks of contentment in a worldly sense. I've pretty much been in cruise control for the last several years - I park cars, I travel the world, I play lots of sports, I hang out with friends... basically, I get to do whatever I want whenever I want. Most anyone who knows me (human validation - woo-hoo!!) tells me they would love to have my life. Yes, my life is certainly easy, but it has also gotten incredibly BORING. That's the problem with cruise control - it eventually can become so comfortable that it puts everyone in the car asleep, including the driver. I'm pretty sure there's no where in scripture where God calls someone to step back and live as easy, cushy, and safe life as possible, yet in Christian circles in America, this is the ideal we are often taught to strive for and are raised and schooled to achieve.
The point of all this is to not tell anyone weather they are better off married or single; I will trust that if they have a relationship with God, He will reveal that to them. The point here is that if we are looking for someone other than God to come along and complete our life, we are placing unfair expectations on that person, trying to get them to fill a role that only God can adequately fill, that will void us of pride/self-awareness/ and desire for man's approval. We often worship at the alter of romantic completion only to crucify our significant other when we realize they're not Jesus.
No comments:
Post a Comment